Well, I suppose the laundry list of apologies keeps growing…..but I am also sorry, and sorry that it takes me excess DAYS to get around to an apology. I don’t know if talking to D was good medicine or just a slap in the face. I do miss friends like that because the brutal honesty and the sense of peace that comes from their own happiness is a direct transfusion to my own mind.
I’m not crazy. Let me summarize. And let me not put you on the back burner, but hold on….
D met E8 six months ago while working at Fox and Hound. He has expressed frustration over life’s misfortunes but somehow men are better at handling raw deals than women. Women fuss over them until the deal gets cooked and sealed and they get what they want.
So, after meeting her, he finds out that it was a sense of timing on her mother’s part (I imagine after eight girls, you probably know how they tick just like you know yourself) and a sense of finality on hers. E8 is 33, D will be 28 when he gets back from boot camp. (BTW, his departure party is at the end of August and we are cordially invited…AND if we move there, I intend to become VERY good friends with her and the other seven…..because of their spirit and the fun he says they have together…sisters and friends. Man, I always wish I had a sister!)
Timing? Yeah, I know a thing or two about it, too. Timing for them: Esther had been engaged twice to losers and mistreated. Sounds familiar, one half. She was lonely but doing alright on her own. Close knit family (not that I could relate before marrying you), life in Springfield and a strong career in what she wanted with the gall to buy a home, have a nice car, give the rest of it away. Gracious…..she should write a book! They grew up very religious, both of them, but D and his mom lived off of gifts from charity for a time before his mother remarried. D’s dad has used his identity to borrow money and never repay it, to incur debts that will reak havoc on D’s life, but the guy got himself into the military so he could finish school, is set to be in boot camp til late fall, will return and graduate MSU in the Spring (May) and they intend to get married April 3. Lord knows I want us to be there….they are like DY and KL in character. D wants to have a family, which is totally out of character and he was telling me things that sounded so much like half you and half me.
The halves:
You: ran from marriage, seeked out the fun life, had a blast, got your heart broken, moved on, have been in limbo, met a girl and got married and now expect life to blossom.
Me: fought for independence and wanted to prove myself to the world, loved politics, became an athlete, made friends of all types but with no deep roots, had a few close friends that are wise beyond their years and filled with genuine compassion, swore off marriage, thought being alone was better, never wanted a family, wanted to travel and write and run. Met you, knocked off my feet (must’ve been teh Tasso Elbas), said ‘yes’ twice, now fighting what happened that made me feel so unwanted in the past. A few people I know can relate to that, except we never went hungry or without…..but some affection would have been nice. So now, I too, want to craft an incredible and satiated life with wise concerted efforts.
Some sage: D said he was never so intimidated as meeting E8 because she had it together and was happy. She lived solo and was strong enough and compassionate enough to give of herslef and feel blessed. She had a college education, good job, had dreams, and wanted more out of life, AND had huge faith…….and in his eyes, she was way over the top, and he was nothing more than out of her league in second to left field. She doesn’t NEED him, she WANTS him. The guy makes no money, has no education, now has something to live for and to dream about. And then, oh my gosh…am I taking away what you want to dream about? Ya know, statistically, men are MUCH craftier at making dreams become a reality…..and women just fester in the pity of being female and having less testosterone and slightly less risky nature….
The future: I want to make so much money we can’t stand it and be GENEROUS, GRACIOUS with it, not MISERLY. I want a HUGE home, with eight bedrooms for friends, kids, moms and dads, neighbors, cousins, uncles, aunts, and a dinner table you can throw a football down. I want three or four girls and three or four boys. I want to be a doctor, and so whatever sacrifice that takes, if it is commuting weekly back home and living in a dorm, cool, fine, three years is nothing. I want to keep our kids out of public school. I want to have strong faith and a grand piano that everyone in the house knows how to play. I want to travel, visit Disney World with them, give them animals, teach them that sisters and brothers are not archrivals, but best friends and protectors. I want big trees, plenty of land to play on, adventures, wild imaginations, big gardens, Christmases at our home with people stacked to the roof. House parties, dinner parties, barbeques and birthdays that mean something. I want every single one of my kids to have the chance to go to college and not worry, but to find something that they truly love and pursue it with all their might. I want to overcome barriers and run marathons until I’m old and decrepit and eat ice cream on a very regular basis. I want us to live well, be comfortable, have a fireplace and books, know the value of hard work, sleep well every night, be active and well-balanced and I will forbid myself from ever making generalizations or assigning social stereotypes or class functions to any person in society as long as I live, and learn to love.
The idea of Christ-like love: Perhaps why men were created in God’s image and therefore, yes, men really do CRAVE and STRIVE for the love of one woman, just as Christ died for and sacrificed all for even ONE person on earth. I still can’t wrap my head around that one. He lived fully, died early, did not suffer or worry more than he could bear and did so gracefully, even to the end, to the absolute and through the worst imaginable pain and suffering. He does NOT need the human race. He WANTS our love, affection, devotion, attention, passion.
The way you love me: I should never tell you it is not good enough because I know that you have tensil strength to be able to withstand the poison that can come out of my mouth sometimes. I think you probably have a heart of gold to not punch me in the face and make me fly across the room sometimes. I think you are patient and can try to forgive small errors, when my mistakes have been obvious and my fallacies and shortcomings erroneously erred. I know that if I tell you things and you keep hearing the negativity that shoots out of me, you’ll subscribe to that and be intimidated and never rise above it. I’m glad you can tune me out, and maybe cannon fire was not all bad 
But I have GOT to get through my thick skull the commandments, the beattitudes, the virtues and start bearing fruit once again. I should be happy. We have nothing to worry about that will not die away when we’re gone. We have a mother and father (at least one) who pray AND FAST for us more than daily. We have at least TWO parents that think if we want to be great, no problem, we’ll be great. There are at LEAST a HUNDRED people that know who we are and what we are capable of. You have been published and called “Pretentious”. You have deep-seeded admirers and skills that I think can land you anywhere on your feet and the meticulous nature of a Marine that is almost sometimes scary. You are twenty-eight, so that means you are only a little more than a quarter century and I’m right behind you. We have, because of innovation, at least SIXTY years ahead of us, a good sixty. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, I think that means that three years of school, four years of making meager sums of money, twenty years of working our tails off and having a ball…..still leaves HALF of those years, long before they are golden…..to babysit grandkids, pay off the last of whatever is takes to put six kids through school, visit Italy, Paris, Spain, South America, float the Danube, eat in the Space Needle, Float the Nile, Sail the Seven Seas, write books, win races, own businesses, enjoy wine, give away millions, have good skin, keep all our hair and teeth, survive and thrive and still live to tell about it.
But I have GOT to get through my thick skull the commandments, the beattitudes, the virtues and start bearing fruit once again. I should be happy. We have nothing to worry about that will not die away when we’re gone. We have a mother and father (at least one) who pray AND FAST for us more than daily. We have at least TWO parents that think if we want to be great, no problem, we’ll be great. There are at LEAST a HUNDRED people that know who we are and what we are capable of. You have been published and called “Pretentious”. You have deep-seeded admirers and skills that I think can land you anywhere on your feet and the meticulous nature of a Marine that is almost sometimes scary. You are twenty-eight, so that means you are only a little more than a quarter century and I’m right behind you. We have, because of innovation, at least SIXTY years ahead of us, a good sixty. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, I think that means that three years of school, four years of making meager sums of money, twenty years of working our tails off and having a ball…..still leaves HALF of those years, long before they are golden…..to babysit grandkids, pay off the last of whatever is takes to put six kids through school, visit Italy, Paris, Spain, South America, float the Danube, eat in the Space Needle, Float the Nile, Sail the Seven Seas, write books, win races, own businesses, enjoy wine, give away millions, have good skin, keep all our hair and teeth, survive and thrive and still live to tell about it. It is not easy to think about, but if we can’t just get over whatever this is, it will eat us both alive and leave us empty-handed and half the raw deal….we’ll never get to where we CAN, never fulfill ANY sort of purpose and wallow in self-pity and loathing that says “you are no good” when really “you are so much better than this, come on” is what we should be hearing.
I know how to formulate these thoughts, but how is it that we go about putting them in action? Geography might not have an affect on this, but it might very well. Doing something more meaningful sure has a lot to do with making these words jump off the screen. And so, I guess, since I told you that much, I just need to know if it makes sense and then to figure out what sort of occlusion is in the pathway….maybe ask Dr. S when we go to “Korma” next week for lunch….if he is really happy…..I mean, the guy studied under Ghandi’s tree! But seriously, I know how to think like that because that is exactly what got me out in the world and on my own two feet, with strength and desire and a strong will. And I can’t stand the thought of sitting in the middle class or in a place we don’t belong. Life should flourish, and if anything, it should exude radiace in our twenties…because we never get to be so carefree and de-stressed as now, and life will never again be this easy. So, your assignment is to reverberate any thoughts you might have and to include me in any further questioning. I’m doing some sould searching, waiting on samples, and my mind is reeling, but I’m working on a concise list of things that will be stallwart and everlasting in life and what needs to be done to achieve those things and move toward a future where we dont’ have to do what we dont’ want to do, but where we can do what we want to do….and where perhaps that is exactly the Will Of God.
Thoughts, criticisms and witticisms are welcome.
Love,
Your Wife.
funkyspunkypenguin
Recent Comments