DIGGING DEEPER

Richard Told me to dig deeper.  What is that and how do I do it?

I wondered this today, because I was thinking about all the instances in life where I’ve had to call upon my faith and past experiences for strength and fervor.  I felt so meek, so humble, but so empowered at the same time, just thinking about all those things.

Anorexia.  That was a big one.  I have had a hard time digesting it, contemplating it and confronting it for the past five years of adult life.  I’ve moved on, needless to say, but am still haunted by the casual jaunt down memory lane.  Oddly enough, I don’t think it was a curse that brought me to that climactic downfall of multiple mental disease states.  I think it was rather a lack of self-esteem and a lack of recognition of God’s existence.

Sometimes I stop and think how big God is.  Did he allow me to experience that pain and for my family to endure so much for nothing?  Doubtful.  Since then I’ve had a couple good friends, weaker in spirit, and to watch them suffer, but hopefully help them when all was said and done.  I think that we all endure pain and endurance trials in life.  I know that some only become increasingly trying.  I know that some result in imminent death.  I know that regardless f circumstance, something good comes from something not so good…always.

I think that digging deeper involves unearthing some of this.  I have GOT to get to the bottom of whatever is stopping my potential and point A.5 because if I’m not effective as a person and a Christian, how will the world ever change?

Okay, so let’s say digging deeper means finding that initial feeling that makes people feel worthless.  It’s shame, it’s anger, it’s malice, it’s piety, it’s obligatory self-mutiliation that serves no purpose…..except that because of those things the person in question is pushed passed emotional boundaries, desensitized for a long enough period of time to hit rock bottom.  Suppose then that working through those issues is a body-building, strengthening task.  The individual sets forth knowing that they are tearing a good thing down, that they have to build it back up.  It’s a long, tedious, explicit and vengeful process.  After months, sometimes years of toiling and suffering, there’s this sudden realization that knocks at the door of the heart and soul of this cold human and says “Hey, can I come in for a while?”.  That is such a welcome friendship and such an act of brevity that it knocks over the fear, anger, shame, and replaces it with want, sorrow, excitement, hope, energy and something I like to call “serendisplicitiousness”.

Coming out of that rock-bottom place is like being born again.  Not quite as glorious as a Salvation experience, but nearly that calibur.  Light is so bright white and blinding.  Darkness no longer exists.  Because of those places journeyed to in solace, no place seems unsafe or too solitary.  Every breath counts and every sensation is heightened to the point that there is almost no pain in life.  No day seems unaccomplished, and no kind word is passed by. 

I think that this digging might lead to something, but for now, I’m still muddling through that recovery.  I wake every day so thankful to be alive, and sense things I never knew existed.   I think God is amazing, because I will always cling to believing that He created all of this. 

Riding up the West Bypass this evening, just before sunset, I had a flat tire.  Kept going.  I had no strength, just a day of sitting, a day of relishing time with a new friend.  I had a burning desire to watch the sun go down from the top of a hill on the outskirts of town.  By grace I did and it was captivating.  Like the sunrise I wake to daily, it almost reduced me to tears. 

Digging deeper, one breath at a time.